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THE SECRET OF INTIMACY: FORGIVENESS

Because none of us is perfect, we are certain to make mistakes. As individuals and as couples, we sometimes simply make poor choices. We choose as wisely as we can, sometimes to discover later that a different choice would have been better. We sometimes are mean and unfair to each other. We sometimes behave selfishly with no justification. We sometimes are insensitive to the needs of our partner, and we sometimes are aware of our partner's needs but choose not to respond lovingly.
These "sometimes" occurrences do not make us all lousy individuals and mates. Even the most intimate marriages are often clouded by less than perfect relationship events. But intimate partners do not let such mistakes and painful relationship events turn into intimacy-diminishing processes in their marriage. They apologize to each other, and they forgive—they forgive each other and they forgive themselves.
Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, have a cancer called resentment. Resentment results from clinging to anger. Resentment is fueled by blaming. Partners in dying relationships remind me of a seventy-eight-year-old woman I once knew who had fiery black eyes and one motto in life: "Find out who's to blame, and blame that sucker!" Couples who live in a spirit of forgiveness are able to heal wounds and soothe hurts with relatively little effort. In contrast, it is exhausting and demoralizing to live with someone who does not forgive. I periodically treat couples who change greatly in response to marital therapy but remain miserable. Such people can learn to enhance their communication styles. They can learn to solve problems more fruitfully and to make love more pleasurably. They can learn to understand themselves and each other with more psychological sophistication. They can do all this right stuff, but their efforts do not bear fruit because they do not forgive. Forgiving is like casting away a hot ember that has been placed in your hand. Letting go of this pain frees you to create and to enjoy the balm of continued intimate connection.
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WEIGHT LOSS DIET (3 weeks)

HIGH FIBRE WEIGHT LOSS DIET

ZINC

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TAKING ESTROGEN

With the onset of menopause, many women suffer from hot flashes and night sweats. Arlene March, 56, a Los Angeles psychotherapist, says she started getting hot flashes 5 years ago. “I’d be working,” she recalls, “and suddenly feel intense heat all over my body. I’d break out in a sweat. I’d have to stop work. Then Dr. Mishell prescribed estrogen pills, and I’ve not had a day of discomfort.”
Some women experience a drying and thinning of vaginal tissues in the absence of estrogen, making sex painful. They also might suffer urinary tract infections and incontinence. Estrogen therapy often helps.
Among the physicians consulted, the most cautious was Dr. Morris Notelovitz, founder of the nation’s first Menopause Center, at the University of Florida, and head of the Women’s Medical and Diagnostic Center in Gainesville, Florida. He says each symptom needs a different treatment and advises that genital tract problems be given estrogen treatment for a couple of years at most. He also urges special measurements of the bones before prescribing estrogen therapy for osteoporosis.
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WOMEN’S HEALTH

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